I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I supernannyed him into submission
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
