i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
