Moan for me like Helen Keller
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
