My friends, they love my intelligence
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
