weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My feet surprised me
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
