I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
