You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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