Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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