I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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