Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
