Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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