Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
