Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
