mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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