I'm gonna have a badass scar
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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