hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
