hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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