I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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