My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
