there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
