Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
