I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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