I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
