just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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