So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
