Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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