I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
