Duck Duck Cougar?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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