mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
