I am puke
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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