I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
