my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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