Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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