Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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