im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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