textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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