Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
