Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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