If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
