Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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