Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
