He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
