it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
