Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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