dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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