I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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