Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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