Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
