Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
