Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
